Conscious self-massage, adapting Betty Martin's bossy massage
The bossy massage is a powerful practice that many sexological bodyworkers (myself included) introduce to their clients. It’s a practice that I find incredibly useful and powerful as it supports people in slowing down, getting out of automatic habits and:
identifying what touch their body is wanting
asking for it and
actually being allowed to receive it.
Time and time again I’ve seen people moved to tears as they experience touch that their body actually wanted by someone in service to them. Along with comments like:
“I’ve never been asked how I want to be touched before.”
“It’s so nice to be touched without an agenda or sense that I’m going to have to repay you.”
This practice can be amazing and healing and also bring up a lot of emotions: anger at prior experiences of unwanted touch, grief at how infrequent experiences of desired touch are, frustration at how difficult it can be to feel or articulate what’s wanted, and gratitude for the beauty of being touched.
In my own sex coaching and sexological bodywork practice, I often recommend an adapted practice to clients: The Conscious Self-Massage. This practice is adapted from the Bossy Massage presented by Betty Martin in her book The Art of Giving and Receiving. In the self-massage, you:
Set aside a few minutes to be alone.
Enter the time with the intention to be with your body and offer it love or kindness
Bring your attention to your body and notice if there is any kind of touch that your body would like.
Notice where exactly this touch is wanted and what kind of touch it would be.Once you are clear about what and where, then go ahead and touch your body keeping your attention with the sensations of the touch for a few breaths.
Pause. Notice how your body responds.
Repeat
In the final pause, notice how your body is feeling, notice any emotions that may be present, any thoughts. Take a moment to write any reflections down if desired.
If you do this practice for a while, you may notice that your body wants different touches at different times. Perhaps sometimes, it leads to arousal or even intentionally erotic touch while other times it is soothing touch. It is a practice that re-wires how we interact with our body, helps us learn to identify what touch it actually wants and kindly offer it. It re-connects us to sensation and possibilities of pleasure and prepares us for communicating what we want to others.
Further reading: